Sabotaging Self

I don't even know where to begin.

So we drove to meet my inlaws Saturday, to pick up our daughters who spent the month with them. We spent the night and came back yesterday. Long drive - took 8 hours total on the way there and 9 on the way back.

Money was already tight anyway. Hubby got a little bonus money on his check - $80 net. Yet, somehow, we still spent WAY too much money. Well, I say "somehow," but it's no mystery. We ate out too much at places that cost too much. We should have stuck with fast food, basically, but we didn't.

I was already going to be using every available penny from each credit card to get us through. So, anyway, I don't know. I think I've got it figured out, but I hate it being the second of the month and the next payday is not til the 15th, and already I'm in the red, with no groceries in the house. I'm fully annoyed at myself. The one good thing, I guess, is that we know for sure hubby is getting a little over $400 gross in bonus money on the 15th. I think that will catch us up, plus pay the couple "pop up" expenses: car registration, for instance. *sigh*

I'm sad that I can't even afford to take the girls to see Shrek at the $3 theater. And I'm beyond ashamed that I "borrowed" $180 from my oldest daughter (without her knowing) and now I can't pay it back. Sometimes I really hate myself. I can't even tell my husband about this because he will be so angry with me. I don't know how I'm going to get it back to her. She hasn't asked about the money - she probably has forgotten she even had it as of right now. It was money she'd saved up, and we went to spend it one day and she spent a small amount on a new bike. I kept the rest for her in my drawer, and suggested she look at a keyboard or something like that.....it was there for around 3 months.

Anyway, I have to get it back to her. I wish to God I could find a job to work from home. Every month I'm maxing back out my credit cards. And it's all my fault. I mean, there's no way to say it. It is completely my fault. I make a budget, then I don't stick to it. Or, I have an extra $20, then something comes up I have to spend it on. But I want to still spend it on something else. Then I end up spending $50 instead of even the $20. I am such an idiot.

Add back into this that we went out to eat with family last week, and I blew my healthy eating. Why? Because I had too much to drink. This made me too lax in my decisions. I also had too much to drink Saturday night.

Am I binge drinking?

This is the thought I have been having the last...few...times I've done this. I drink a little, start to feel "good," and I don't want it to stop. So I keep drinking to keep the feeling, but the thing is I compound the effect by drinking too much too fast. I think I'm self-medicating. And I think I have to stop. As in, stop drinking for a while. I did this after I had my second child, too. I was waiting tables, and I'd get home late. I started having a drink to wind down after I got home. But then I would have several. Then once my husband went out of town and I got completely plastered one night. I was so ashamed. My girls were there (asleep) but I was totally wasted. If something had happened, I couldn't have driven anywhere. I wonder if I would have tried anyway. Like I said, sometimes I really hate myself.

Baby's crying. Gotta go.

Gimme an M! Gimme an E! Go ME! Go ME! Gooooooo MEEEEEEE!

OK, so yes, I am tooting my own horn a bit. Why?

I made it out in field service.

AND, that, despite the fact that it was storming when I woke up. As it turned out, it didn't rain a drop while I was out. So very glad I went!!!

Ugh. And again, I say...ugh.

So today was weigh and measure day...and it sorta sucked. Gained from last week, though still down from two weeks ago. That wouldn't have been such a big deal, but just about every measurement went up a bit too. Hmph.

I had a phone call today about a job I'd applied for. It's a merchandising position, one day a month, $100-something flat pay. Easy enough. They wanted me to interview Wednesday morning. But I'm planning to go in service. I've been trying to get in service on Wednesdays for a while, and this was the first time I'm actually gonna do it. So I said I wasn't available. I know I did the right thing, but I was just stressing tonight (again) about money. And here I get this call, out of nowhere? Of course, maybe it wasn't exactly serendipitous that I got the call in the first place, huh? Maybe that was an effort to get me to focus on the money issue instead of my spiritual issues.

Funny, too, that I had that substitute talk on Tuesday, where I happened to be telling my householder about making decisions in order to "be rich toward God" rather than be overly concerned about material things. It was good for me - it reinforced our decisions. I mean, part of why we have done what we've done is that we're paying (literally) for past mistakes. We pay out more on money we owe, right now, than we do in rent. But, regardless, I could still put Nolan in day care and get a full time job and put all that money toward our debt, with the intention of that being temporary. Thing is, it probably wouldn't be. Seems that there will always be something that "needs" that money put toward it.

I remember once hearing a brother give a talk at the Hall about a subject he *really* needed to work on. I don't remember what the talk was about, but I do remember who it was. Basically, he was a rich, pompous ass. So I would imagine the talk was on humility or something like that. I asked my mom why was *he* giving that talk?!?! She told me sometimes Jehovah gives us the talks that we really need to hear. So I got that talk Tuesday, because *both* people had to cancel their parts that night at the last minute. Perhaps **that** was the serendipitous part.

What, me study?

I have accomplished more in the past two and a half days, study wise, than I have in.....a very long time. Add in studying the WT with Hubby Friday night, and it just blows all records for the past several years.

I have now, successfully, studied for the entire meeting tonight, including Bible reading, plus prepared a substitute talk. The School Overseer called me last night to do the #2. I told him last week that, while the girls are gone for the month, I could do a substitute talk if he needed it. I was already supposed to be a householder tonight anyway, but he said that person had to cancel. So, anyway, now I'm doing a talk in the front school tonight. This is actually my first talk in a really long time. I've had to cancel my last several assignments.

I feel really good about this accomplishment, small as it may seem. As the scripture says, 'he that is faithful in little is also faithful in much.' So, it's gotta start somewhere, right?

I weighed myself today, though I know I shouldn't have. I was still less than my starting weight, but a little more than my weight on Monday. It doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I also knew that might happen. So I'm not sweating it.

Baby's awake from his nap. Gotta go!

Success and Failure: Together again.

Yesterday was a baby shower luncheon thing for a friend, held at the Cheesecake Factory. I was sure I could be "strong" and had looked at the menu ahead of time, having chosen my entree and to have a goblet of strawberries for dessert. However, I truly did underestimate the pressure of being out with "the girls," which I can't even remember the last time I've done. I didn't drink, I did have my (*DELICIOUS*) salmon salad, aaaaaaaaaand then a slice of cheesecake, just like everybody else. Oh well. You know what? It was really good. I made the decision not to feel an ounce of regret. And now, it's over.

Mondays are my weigh and measure days. I started last Monday, and have been eating "core" (Weight Watchers) all week. I've been doing great, save for last night. If you "blow it," doing it the end of the week can be good or bad, depending. Good, because you don't notice the effects til the following week. So, in this instance, I had a nice weigh and measure session. I lost 5 pounds! And lost in almost every measurement. Hey, all those quarter-inches add up. Measuring, by far, tells me much more than pounds lost. There have been times in the past when I haven't lost pounds, but I could tell differences in my body. I always wished I'd been measuring the whole time. So this time I am! Anyway, the bad news is next Monday may not go so well, due to last night's meal. BUT, since I know so, I have a week to build myself up and work through it.

Our meeting is Wednesday this week instead of Tuesday, because the Circuit Overseer is at the congregation we share the Hall with. I kind of wish we always had the meeting on Wednesday. Oh, this reminds me....I made a "spiritual" schedule for myself, parsing out studying for the meetings amongst the weekdays. I was supposed to start it last Thursday, but forgot. Why Thursday? That's the day I start my Bible reading for the week. I've split it into thirds, Thursday, Friday, and Monday. Monday is also supposed to be study for the bookstudy day. So I guess I'm going to do the whole Bible Reading and Book Study today. Tuesday is studying for the School and Service Meeting. Wednesday is SUPPOSED to be field service. I've had that goal for I can't tell you how long. Then I've split the Watchtower between Thursday and Friday (along with the Bible Reading). Tuesday and Friday I need to go over service presentations, where applicable as well. I haven't scheduled in any "personal study" time in there. But this is a start. The hard part will be remembering to do it, since I've gotten so used to *not* studying.

Did I mention I had a job interview last Friday? I answered an ad on craigslist for a babysitter. It's for a lady who works from home a half a day a week. She advertised it for $7 an hour, but we agreed on $9. (I did my research and $10-12 came up as fair, being that it's two kids. I suggested 10, she countered with 9.) She wants me to get a background check, which is fine, and I know she's talking with someone else. I'm not positive if I've gotten it or not. She's supposed to contact me to make arrangements to do whatever needs to be done for the background check. Anyway, it's a 30 minute drive so I will use $5 in gas each trip, total. But, I figure that's $120 a month, sometimes more, that we don't have right now, and money is money. I can take Nolan with me, she seems great....I shouldn't pass it up.

I keep fantasizing, though, that the company in California I used to work for will call me and tell me the gal who was doing their A/R collections (from home in another state) had to quit, and offer it to me. $15 an hour, even for just a few hours a week, would really mean a lot right now. :-\

Baby is grunting. He'd woken from his nap a little while before I started writing. I'd peeked in on him and seen him sitting up in his crib, just hanging out. Now he's making noises to let me know he's up. What a sweetie.

I'm so glad I'm feeling good today. Hubby has the van because he had to travel today. (His car has no a/c.) So I'm planning some errands tomorrow. Looking forward to that too. Gotta go before baby gets too insistent. :)

The "perfect" situation? Yeah, I can ruin that too.

Our daughters are visiting my in laws out of state this month. So it's just me, hubby and the 7 month old. Have I been out in service yet? No. How many meetings have I missed? A couple. Including today. I just simply didn't want to make the effort, it's as simple as that. I did listen in to the talk and some of the WT though. Oh, and we had studied our WT together Friday night, so that was nice. I know I need to just move on and stop dwelling. But, now, I really just want to beat myself up.

There is a luncheon-baby shower thing for a friend this afternoon. Now I don't know if I want to go. I dunno.

I wish hubby had taken baby to the meeting. I wish I'd asked him. But I was afraid he would get annoyed.

Baby just woke up from his nap. Gotta go.

Doing the "D" word

I've been upset about my weight for a while. But I'm just now at the point where I feel I can deal with doing something about it. I don't know how to explain it....I guess you just have to be in a certain mindset to tackle it. And I suppose trying on bathing suits helped push me there. I see myself naked every day, but, I don't know, this did it for me, I guess.

I hesitate to use the word "diet," because we all sort of view that as a constant state of denial. And I don't think that works. We all have things we love to eat, and we have to be able to incorporate them, somehow, into our regular lives. Otherwise, we go insane. Really, our "diet" is just the things we eat each day. So, I'm not *going* on a diet. I am going to *change* my diet.

When I did Weight Watchers, I did the "core" program. Basically, there is a "core" set of foods of which you eat any amount, to satisfaction. You also have a weekly allotment of Weight Watchers "points" to use, and anything not on the core list, you have to use points for. Core foods are, basically, fat free dairy, lean meats, whole grains, beans, all veggies and fruits, diet drinks, and several condiments, etc. I use my points for things like *real* butter, regular cheese, and a glass of wine here and there. I also used to have a Weight Watchers ice cream treat just about every night. I think I will need to stock up on those, since I really do have a serious sweet tooth. (Sweet treats are the "thing" I *have* to be able to have.) Having that ice cream bar was always a wonderful way to end the evening after the kids had gone to bed. And guilt-free, at that.

It's a simple way to eat for me. Not much counting or tracking. I did really, really well on it, and I was actually eating out at lunchtime quite a bit. I had my staple menus at QDoba and Panera, and life was great. I have a new set of challenges now, one of which is just *getting* to the grocery sometimes. But I just have to work at being a little more proactive.

I'm starting off slowly. I have a busy week, preparing for the convention, then going there. I can't make a huge grocery trip when we'll be gone Thursday thru Monday. But I have adjusted a few recipes to fix this week, and making them mostly, if not all, "core." I am going to work at making mostly healthy choices this weekend at the convention. (Hey, we are allowing ourselves one "nice" meal out, and I may allow myself dessert at that meal.)

Day by day, right?