I went bathing suit shopping yesterday and today. This was out of necessity. Last year I had a maternity bathing suit, since I was pregnant. The only other bathing suit I have, I bought 2 years ago, and doesn't fit me well anymore. I actually hated it the instant I got in the water, because it's one of those swim dresses. And I found out - too late - that once it gets wet it clings to every bulge, so it's not even worth it. Besides the floating-up-of-the-skirt-in-the-pool-showing-the-thighs-you're-trying-to-cover, and the bathing-suit-skirt-balloon-in-the-hot-tub that both happen regularly.
So what did I get? Another swim dress. :-\ But it's made differently, and is attached to the body-suit part at both the top and at the drop-waist. It covers the boobs quite nicely - hard to find anyway, but especially with my 36E milk jugs.
Two years ago, I'd been with Weight Watchers for about 6 months and had lost around 20 pounds. I was about halfway to my goal, felt good, looked pretty good. And, of course, got over-confident and blew it. I didn't quite gain all the weight back, but I was probably about where I am now - very close. Then I got pregnant, and I actually lost weight during my pregnancy. I gained a healthy amount of weight with my first two, so I hoped the same would be the case the third time. But, somehow, the day before I gave birth I actually weighed something like 3 pounds more than when I'd started. (I gained baby weight and lost other weight. Go figure.) A couple weeks after birth, I was a total of 25 pounds less than when I'd gotten pregnant. I still had some work to do, but overall it wasn't too bad. Control top pantyhose was enough to hold it all in if I was wearing a dress. And the size 12 jeans I bought were actually too big, but the size 10s *just* barely fit, so I was afraid to get them in case they shrank a little when I washed them. Now, those 12s are the jeans I have to wear spanx with, and they still *just* fit after that. I'm back up to....I don't know, I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I think I'm within 5 pounds of my highest weight, which was 172 when I joined Weight Watchers 2.5 years ago. I have no one to blame but myself. I went absolutely insane, drinking Coke every day, and having mounds and mounds of cookies and ice cream on a daily basis. I took for granted that the lack of impact on my body would last forever. But, of course, after those first couple months of mega-nursing a new baby, the body rebels....And I knew this.
So, anyway, here I am. The Convention is this weekend and now people who have never seen me in a bathing suit are gonna see me in a bathing suit, at nearly my top weight. And I'm stressing over the dresses I'm wearing, because they will be slightly difficult to try to nurse in. Especially with what I call the feeding-trough style joke of a "mother's room" where we all sit in a row next to each other and try to be discreet - some of us wearing things that aren't exactly nursing friendly. We love nursing our babies but we also wish we had our bodies back as our own again. We wish we could dress up and at least *feel* pretty, but we have trouble doing so and at the same time give easy boob access to the babes. (And a weight issue just makes it 5x as bad.)
Ugh.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A little about me.
I ask myself how much information to share here, because in a way, I'm scared to death that someone I know will discover this blog.
So what, you may ask?
Well, I guess I'm afraid of people I know learning my deep, inner thoughts. I don't really share them with anyone. Except, now, strangers. How, exactly is there safety in that? I don't know, except that at least I don't have to "deal" with someone who may have judged me adversely on a regular basis.
So, anyway, here I go.
I'm 35 years old. I've been married almost 15 years. I have three children: girls aged 10 and 5, and a boy aged 6 months. My husband works full time and occasionally travels for work, a few days at a time. I don't have a paying job right now, though I have been trying to find something part time in the evenings to help take up the slack. We can eke by on what my husband makes, as long as no serious emergency arises. But with $475 a month in a Chapter 13 payment, and $225 a month in medical bills (from my son's birth in December), plus our $6800 in credit card debt.....it's tight. I would like to have some income that would primarily go against that credit card debt, plus be there for "extras" that come up. The medical bills will be paid off, staggered by next August. (Paying one off, $45/month, next month - the first. YES!) The bankruptcy payment won't go away for about a year and a half.
Anything resembling a vacation is laughable right now. Even new clothes is kind of laughable right now. My husband and I are the worst off, of course. We sacrifice for the kids. They wear clothes primarily from the resale store. We're not in rags, I went to buy a new bathing suit yesterday - out of pure necessity - and the sight of the new clothes displayed on the racks in Dillard's looked so foreign to me. I almost cried, as the weight of my sacrifice was realized for but a moment.
We have lived in a three bedroom apartment for about 8 months now. We used to own a house, but when we bought it our first child was an infant, and we both worked full time. We made the mistakes of (a) letting someone else (the home builder and bank) tell us what we could afford, and (b) being quite short sighted on what buying a home would *really* mean later on down the line. As our circumstances changed, and our lack of desire, ability, and money to take care of a home became a glaring reality, we realized we *had* to change our circumstances.
Overall, I actually like my apartment. It's small, but that's good for us. Our girls share a room and the baby has his own room. When something's wrong, we call the management to come fix it. There is much less to take care of and clean. With three kids, one of which is an infant, I do a pretty good job keeping up with it. We have a nice space behind our apartment where the kids can play and ride bikes and we can sit outside and watch them. There's a pool, which we haven't used yet. And there's a park just down the road as well.
Unfortunately, I am a home-grown couch potato. I was an only child. When I was younger, I stayed a lot with my grandmother, and I just sort of entertained myself. Once I was old enough, I was home alone. I remember one summer in particular when I was around 13. I was just so bored. I was home alone, every day, all day, with nothing but the TV to keep me company. I'm kind of resentful about that, I guess. I think I would have rather been at my grandmother's. At least there would have been another human around.
Anyway, I was not raised in a family who enjoyed doing outdoorsy things, and so I am now the same way. I have a hard time getting motivated to go do much of anything. My girls spend a lot of time watching TV in their room. Having depression, and an infant, doesn't help. I get so overwhelmed with the things that need to be done, and I sort of shut down. Being 40 or so pounds overweight also doesn't help. Not only do I not have many clothes (see above), many of them don't fit me well as I've put on weight over the months. I hate having to squeeze into a 5-year old pair of Spanx (which are probably a size too small), a pair of jeans that I couldn't wear without the Spanx, unless I want to run around with a full-on mushroomed muffin top, and a carefully layered top and button down, just to go somewhere. Actually, I don't always do that. Sometimes I keep my daily uniform of three-year-old black yoga pants and black t-shirt on. I've learned I can throw on one of my two button-downs over it, and somewhat camouflage my paunch. This reminds me, one of my yoga pants has a hole in the inside seam near the crotch, and the other, I felt two little holes in the back. So I need to mend those up.
Putting this all in print sounds quite pathetic. And I guess it is. But it's reality. These are all some insights into me. Maybe you'll see yourself in one or two of them.
The other thing I'm going to drop on you, and get ready because this may be a big BOMB. I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses. My immediate family is , as is my mother, and my husband's family. I struggle with all the things I *should* do that I don't. No matter what part of my life is going OK, there is always at least one that is not. And it is this that I focus on. Usually, though, none are going well. I am poor, financially, spiritually, and emotionally.
I tell you all of this because the things I talk about will no doubt revolve around these three major parts of my life. I know this because, well, those are the things I think about the most, so I'll therefore talk about them, right?
Why am I doing this? Therapy, I guess. Sometimes "getting it out" helps." So....here I go.
So what, you may ask?
Well, I guess I'm afraid of people I know learning my deep, inner thoughts. I don't really share them with anyone. Except, now, strangers. How, exactly is there safety in that? I don't know, except that at least I don't have to "deal" with someone who may have judged me adversely on a regular basis.
So, anyway, here I go.
I'm 35 years old. I've been married almost 15 years. I have three children: girls aged 10 and 5, and a boy aged 6 months. My husband works full time and occasionally travels for work, a few days at a time. I don't have a paying job right now, though I have been trying to find something part time in the evenings to help take up the slack. We can eke by on what my husband makes, as long as no serious emergency arises. But with $475 a month in a Chapter 13 payment, and $225 a month in medical bills (from my son's birth in December), plus our $6800 in credit card debt.....it's tight. I would like to have some income that would primarily go against that credit card debt, plus be there for "extras" that come up. The medical bills will be paid off, staggered by next August. (Paying one off, $45/month, next month - the first. YES!) The bankruptcy payment won't go away for about a year and a half.
Anything resembling a vacation is laughable right now. Even new clothes is kind of laughable right now. My husband and I are the worst off, of course. We sacrifice for the kids. They wear clothes primarily from the resale store. We're not in rags, I went to buy a new bathing suit yesterday - out of pure necessity - and the sight of the new clothes displayed on the racks in Dillard's looked so foreign to me. I almost cried, as the weight of my sacrifice was realized for but a moment.
We have lived in a three bedroom apartment for about 8 months now. We used to own a house, but when we bought it our first child was an infant, and we both worked full time. We made the mistakes of (a) letting someone else (the home builder and bank) tell us what we could afford, and (b) being quite short sighted on what buying a home would *really* mean later on down the line. As our circumstances changed, and our lack of desire, ability, and money to take care of a home became a glaring reality, we realized we *had* to change our circumstances.
Overall, I actually like my apartment. It's small, but that's good for us. Our girls share a room and the baby has his own room. When something's wrong, we call the management to come fix it. There is much less to take care of and clean. With three kids, one of which is an infant, I do a pretty good job keeping up with it. We have a nice space behind our apartment where the kids can play and ride bikes and we can sit outside and watch them. There's a pool, which we haven't used yet. And there's a park just down the road as well.
Unfortunately, I am a home-grown couch potato. I was an only child. When I was younger, I stayed a lot with my grandmother, and I just sort of entertained myself. Once I was old enough, I was home alone. I remember one summer in particular when I was around 13. I was just so bored. I was home alone, every day, all day, with nothing but the TV to keep me company. I'm kind of resentful about that, I guess. I think I would have rather been at my grandmother's. At least there would have been another human around.
Anyway, I was not raised in a family who enjoyed doing outdoorsy things, and so I am now the same way. I have a hard time getting motivated to go do much of anything. My girls spend a lot of time watching TV in their room. Having depression, and an infant, doesn't help. I get so overwhelmed with the things that need to be done, and I sort of shut down. Being 40 or so pounds overweight also doesn't help. Not only do I not have many clothes (see above), many of them don't fit me well as I've put on weight over the months. I hate having to squeeze into a 5-year old pair of Spanx (which are probably a size too small), a pair of jeans that I couldn't wear without the Spanx, unless I want to run around with a full-on mushroomed muffin top, and a carefully layered top and button down, just to go somewhere. Actually, I don't always do that. Sometimes I keep my daily uniform of three-year-old black yoga pants and black t-shirt on. I've learned I can throw on one of my two button-downs over it, and somewhat camouflage my paunch. This reminds me, one of my yoga pants has a hole in the inside seam near the crotch, and the other, I felt two little holes in the back. So I need to mend those up.
Putting this all in print sounds quite pathetic. And I guess it is. But it's reality. These are all some insights into me. Maybe you'll see yourself in one or two of them.
The other thing I'm going to drop on you, and get ready because this may be a big BOMB. I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses. My immediate family is , as is my mother, and my husband's family. I struggle with all the things I *should* do that I don't. No matter what part of my life is going OK, there is always at least one that is not. And it is this that I focus on. Usually, though, none are going well. I am poor, financially, spiritually, and emotionally.
I tell you all of this because the things I talk about will no doubt revolve around these three major parts of my life. I know this because, well, those are the things I think about the most, so I'll therefore talk about them, right?
Why am I doing this? Therapy, I guess. Sometimes "getting it out" helps." So....here I go.
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