Sabotaging Self

I don't even know where to begin.

So we drove to meet my inlaws Saturday, to pick up our daughters who spent the month with them. We spent the night and came back yesterday. Long drive - took 8 hours total on the way there and 9 on the way back.

Money was already tight anyway. Hubby got a little bonus money on his check - $80 net. Yet, somehow, we still spent WAY too much money. Well, I say "somehow," but it's no mystery. We ate out too much at places that cost too much. We should have stuck with fast food, basically, but we didn't.

I was already going to be using every available penny from each credit card to get us through. So, anyway, I don't know. I think I've got it figured out, but I hate it being the second of the month and the next payday is not til the 15th, and already I'm in the red, with no groceries in the house. I'm fully annoyed at myself. The one good thing, I guess, is that we know for sure hubby is getting a little over $400 gross in bonus money on the 15th. I think that will catch us up, plus pay the couple "pop up" expenses: car registration, for instance. *sigh*

I'm sad that I can't even afford to take the girls to see Shrek at the $3 theater. And I'm beyond ashamed that I "borrowed" $180 from my oldest daughter (without her knowing) and now I can't pay it back. Sometimes I really hate myself. I can't even tell my husband about this because he will be so angry with me. I don't know how I'm going to get it back to her. She hasn't asked about the money - she probably has forgotten she even had it as of right now. It was money she'd saved up, and we went to spend it one day and she spent a small amount on a new bike. I kept the rest for her in my drawer, and suggested she look at a keyboard or something like that.....it was there for around 3 months.

Anyway, I have to get it back to her. I wish to God I could find a job to work from home. Every month I'm maxing back out my credit cards. And it's all my fault. I mean, there's no way to say it. It is completely my fault. I make a budget, then I don't stick to it. Or, I have an extra $20, then something comes up I have to spend it on. But I want to still spend it on something else. Then I end up spending $50 instead of even the $20. I am such an idiot.

Add back into this that we went out to eat with family last week, and I blew my healthy eating. Why? Because I had too much to drink. This made me too lax in my decisions. I also had too much to drink Saturday night.

Am I binge drinking?

This is the thought I have been having the last...few...times I've done this. I drink a little, start to feel "good," and I don't want it to stop. So I keep drinking to keep the feeling, but the thing is I compound the effect by drinking too much too fast. I think I'm self-medicating. And I think I have to stop. As in, stop drinking for a while. I did this after I had my second child, too. I was waiting tables, and I'd get home late. I started having a drink to wind down after I got home. But then I would have several. Then once my husband went out of town and I got completely plastered one night. I was so ashamed. My girls were there (asleep) but I was totally wasted. If something had happened, I couldn't have driven anywhere. I wonder if I would have tried anyway. Like I said, sometimes I really hate myself.

Baby's crying. Gotta go.